I recently watched a video of Kara Lawson, Duke University's women's basketball head coach, talking about how we spend so much of our lives waiting for things to get easier. Her message was simple but powerful: "life doesn't get easier…we become better at handling hard things" and I couldn't help but smile, because it's so true.
Over the past few months, I've been balancing a demanding creative leadership role, teaching two college courses and rebuilding one of those courses while actively teaching it, all while navigating love and life as a single mom (though my village has been a tremendous help). Somewhere in the middle of that, life decided to throw in a leaking water pipe, a separate toilet leak and the inevitable household wall and flooring repairs to boot. And because apparently laundry is now an extreme sport at my age, I also managed to injure my back picking up a basket of clothes. Not just a little tweak, but a full-on, bed-rest, level-up.
When people ask how I'm doing, I sometimes joke, “I'm hanging in there...off a cliff, by my fingertips.” Lately, that description has felt a little more accurate than I'd like to admit. But you know what? Choices were made.
Thankfully, I'm over the worst of my back injury (still stiff and sore, but able to sit up and work at my computer for a bit longer without twinging in pain). As a result, I FINALLY got caught up on grading and even celebrated with a little Facebook post of Elmo doing a happy dance.
When people ask how I'm doing, I sometimes joke, “I'm hanging in there...off a cliff, by my fingertips.” Lately, that description has felt a little more accurate than I'd like to admit. But you know what? Choices were made.
Thankfully, I'm over the worst of my back injury (still stiff and sore, but able to sit up and work at my computer for a bit longer without twinging in pain). As a result, I FINALLY got caught up on grading and even celebrated with a little Facebook post of Elmo doing a happy dance.
But the semester isn't over. I've still got a little under half of it ahead of me, though I finally have a plan outlined for the remaining course modules. The floor repairs are still waiting for my back to cooperate, and I caught myself thinking, *Once I get through all of this, things will finally slow down.*
It's like Kara said...I'd been treating each challenge like an obstacle standing between me and some imaginary future where everything would finally be under control.
Which brings me back to that phrase I use so often: Choices were made.
Depending on how it's delivered, it can be a joke, a subtle reminder about accountability or, more often than not for me, a way of holding myself accountable for the decisions I've made, and looking back on this fall, I can certainly say that choices were made.
Some challenges were ones I intentionally took on. Others arrived entirely uninvited. But I've been thinking about what both kinds of experiences teach us and how much of our growth comes from the choices we make along the way.
The challenges we choose
I've always believed there's value in intentionally doing things that stretch us.
It's something I try to teach my daughter. Take on something you've never done before. Say yes to an opportunity that feels a little beyond your current abilities. Try something you're not entirely sure you can accomplish, especially when there's a part of you that suspects you might just be able to figure it out.
Because we don't discover the full extent of our capabilities by staying in our comfort zone.
I think about how many things in my own life once seemed difficult simply because I'd never done them before. Scary at first? Sure. But each time, I came away knowing a little more about what I could handle.
But when we choose to take on something difficult, we're not just choosing the opportunity. We're also accepting some responsibility for navigating the challenges that come with it. The unexpected complications, the things we didn't anticipate and the problems we have to figure out along the way are often where the most meaningful growth happens. I can teach skills, offer guidance and help people prepare. But I can't give someone the confidence that comes from discovering they're capable of doing something difficult. They have to experience that for themselves.
And sometimes the best way to encourage that mindset is to demonstrate it.
As leaders, we can't expect people to embrace uncertainty, take thoughtful risks or ask for help if we never demonstrate those behaviors ourselves.
That doesn't mean pretending everything is easy or that we always know what we're doing. Quite the opposite. Sometimes our first approach doesn't work. Sometimes we need help. There's a beautiful lesson in that kind of vulnerability. Needing help isn't a failure of expertise. It's part of how expertise develops.
The challenges we don't choose
Of course, not every hard thing in life is something we signed up for.
I chose to take on additional teaching responsibilities. I chose to rebuild a course while teaching it. I chose to pursue opportunities that would stretch me, knowing they would require more time and energy.
What I didn't choose were the leaking pipes, household repairs or my unfortunate laundry incident. But while we don't always get to choose what happens to us, we have some choice in how we respond.
When something unexpected happens, I try to move beyond Why is this happening to me? as quickly as possible and ask, What can I learn from this? I can't always change the circumstances, but I can challenge the way I'm looking at them. Sometimes that shift in perspective is enough to help me see an opportunity, a solution or simply a better way forward.
Sometimes the lesson is a new skill or a better way to approach a problem. Sometimes it's recognizing that I need help, that something can wait or that I took on more than I realistically had room for…and sometimes a leaking pipe is just a leaking pipe.
I think people who enjoy solving problems can be particularly susceptible to taking on more than they should. We see something difficult and think, I can figure that out, and often, we can, but being capable of doing something doesn't automatically mean it's the best use of our time, attention or energy.
Getting better at doing hard things doesn't mean we have to do all the hard things, all the time... some of us might just be gluttons for punishment.
The choices we make next
I think this is where the real lesson begins to take shape, especially for those of us responsible for leading others.
We can encourage people to stretch themselves without expecting them to operate at the edge of their capacity indefinitely. We can challenge them while recognizing when they need support. We can model ambition while also demonstrating the judgment to delegate, ask for help, adjust expectations or simply put something down.
I want the people I lead to believe they're capable of doing difficult things. But I also want them to understand that capability isn't measured by how much they can endure. Being busy all the time isn't a flex. It's a choice. I still catch myself looking toward the next milestone and thinking things will be easier once I'm 'done' with this or that. And sometimes it will be, at least for a little while. There's nothing wrong with wanting breathing room. Rest matters. So does enjoying the things we've worked hard to accomplish.
My courses wrap up in early December and I've got three glorious weeks of unplugged vacation planned to ring in the new year. I'm looking forward to every minute of it…and when I return, I'll start it all over again (but with one less class). Not because I'm a glutton for punishment, but because I love teaching. I love my work. And I genuinely love discovering that I can do things I once wasn't sure I could.
There's a difference between being challenged by the life we're building and being consumed by it. I'm still learning where that line is and I suspect I always will be.
Kara Lawson's message reminded me that challenges don't necessarily disappear. What changes is our ability to meet them…and perhaps, with experience, something else changes too.
We get better at recognizing which challenges will help us grow, which ones simply need to be handled and which ones were never ours to carry in the first place…
…And sometimes, the best choice is to put it all down for three weeks and enjoy the life you've worked so hard to build.